#parentfail

I homeschool my five-year old. When he was a baby I would picture what it would be like to homeschool him as I nursed him at 3 in the morning (his favorite time of the day). In my picture it was perfect. We would be sitting at a table together and I would lovingly have my hand on his shoulder and the with other hand would be pointing at a book helping him read. There would be lots of days filled with giggling, learning, reading together, making crafts, and having fun.

Fast forward 5 years....
Liam was supposed to read a very short story in which he was VERY capable of doing. Liam is a very bright and fast learner. I knew without any doubt that he could complete the task that had been given to him but he played around, acting silly, and pretended he couldn't read. I would re-direct him over and Over and OVer and OVER again!!!! Oh good grief I was getting mad. I told myself not to get mad, but I did. And oh did I ever get mad. I got up threw the book and demanded he go to his room. His face stopped me in my tracks. Tears, guilt, and shame began to rush through my body. I asked him to go to his room but not because he's in trouble, but because mommy needs to calm down. After a moment I calmed down, apologized, and we read the book. I failed him and his face said it all. #parentfail #homeschoolfail #momfail #madmama #badmama #stupidmama

Yes I felt all those things. I had stood there and condemned myself. There, in that moment, the Lord spoke to me. He didn't say "you are a great mom" "I love you" "don't beat yourself up" "you are perfect in my love". All true but he didn't say that. He said "yes you failed, your love is faulty, your love has gaps, your love is not perfect, you will fail over and over and over again, BUT I have not failed him, my love is not faulty, my love has no gaps, my love is perfect, I will not fail over and over again." And through my tears, my heavy heart, my crushed spirit I breathed a sigh of relief. I am not perfect, but HE is and thats all that matters
We have all been there. We have all had a #parentfail moment. We have lost our temper, said something that's not true, reacted to a situation poorly, gotten frustrated, or any other parent fail you could think of but God's grace is sufficient. He is perfect and will provide everything I lack.
Yes I will strive to be better but not in a place of shame because I have already messed up. I will strive to be better because I know that through Jesus I am made whole.